A little laughter… Please!

Based on the comments and feedback from readers of my last post, I believe I touched on some deep feelings. That was deliberate. In my posts, I try to raise issues I believe is important to all and requires some action. The purpose of this post is to take a breather from the stresses of sheltering in place and just laugh. Many of you likely read my post on humor. This is different – no reflections, no lessons, no deep thoughts, just pure, unadulterated fun. And by unadulterated, I want to emphasize “adult”. The jokes below are for adults so be forewarned. Raw humor is sometimes the best humor.

Before I get started, I want to thank my friends who first shared some of the jokes I include in this post. I also want to pay homage to the people who created them. Some jokes I can’t remember where or when I first heard them, but they stayed with me for years. Either way, jokes are a distraction and tell stories of the human condition.

All of the humor below is Jewish humor. Jewish humor reflects real life. It’s self depreciating, self effacing, and very naughty. It’s a way of bringing life back after tragedies. It makes fun of ourselves rather than others. And they cover a cross section of life from death, marriage, old age, and on. And if you enjoy them, I strongly recommend you reading Michael Krasny’s book titled Let There Be Laughter. So put on your seat belts and laugh out loud. (NOTE: Some of the jokes below are repeats of jokes written in older posts in this blog.)

Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?” The first kids says, “a circumcision.” The second kid replies, “Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo-ball soup: “Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?”

A group of five Jewish women are eating lunch in a busy  restaurant. Nervously, their waiter approaches the table. “Ladies,” he says. “Is anything okay?”

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench, arguing over which one’s son loves her the most. The first one says, “You know, my son sends me flowers every Shabbos.” “You call that love?” says the second mother. “My son calls me every day!”  “That’s nothing,” says the third woman. “My son is in therapy five days a week. And the whole time, he talks about me!”

A very elderly couple lived in a large two story house. One evening the wife, feeling quite saucy, called down to her husband from the second floor bedroom, “Saul, come upstairs and make love to me.” From downstairs, Saul yells up to his wife, “I can’t do both!”

A teenage Jewish boy attended a Catholic High School, he was the only Jewish kid in the school. One day in Religion class, the priest asked a very simple question to make sure his students didn’t forget the basics. The priest, wanting to incent his students, held up a $20 bill and said that the first student answering the question correctly will get the money. The question was “Who in history is the most omnipotent and influential person? ” One student raised his hand with the answer -” St. John the Baptist, of course!” The priest, holding back his frustration, said that was not correct. A second student raised his hand and called out, “It’s St. Matthew!” The priest couldn’t believe his ears. Finally, the Jewish student raised his hand and calmly answered, “Jesus Christ.” The priest, though disappointed with his other students, told the student he was right and gave him the money. Class was over. The priest called the Jewish student over and asked, “How is it you, of all people, knew the answer?” The student replied, “Well, the real answer is actually Moses, but hey, business is business.”

Four men who work together decided to go out for a drink before heading home. Upon walking into the pub, they each hopped on a stool at the bar. The first worker, a Frenchman, called out to the bartender, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty, I must have cognac!” The second worker, a German, called out, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty, I must have beer!” The third fellow, a Mexican, called out, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty, I must have tequila!” The fourth, a Jewish guy, said, a bit under his breath, “I’m tired and I’m thirsty, I must have diabetes!”

An old man whose last days are upon him lays in bed in his home. He smells his wife cooking his favorite kugel dish. His grandson comes to visit. The old man asks his grandson, “Daniel, what I would love more than anything right now is a piece of your grandmother’s kugel.” The grandson obliges and goes to the kitchen to retrieve a piece for the old man. After 10 minutes, the grandson returns empty handed. The old man is surprised and wonders what happened. His grandson replies, “I asked grandma for a piece but she said she is saving it all for the funeral.”

Two old friends, Moses and Saul, attended synagogue for many years together. One Friday night service, Saul declares he is finally going to retire and that he is going to pray extra passionately to God who will hear his cry to win the lottery and retire comfortably. Well, a week goes by and, as usual, Saul sits next to Moses in temple. Moses leans over and asks Saul if God heard his plea and how much did he win in the lottery. Saul, a bit embarrassed and perturbed, tells Moses he didn’t win anything that week and is beginning to doubt God’s interest in listening to his prayers. Before leaving, he tells his friend he’ll give it another try. Another week goes by and again in temple, Saul sits next to Moses. Moses again leans over to Saul and asks the same question. “So, Mister Millionaire, how much did you win this week? ” Saul is visibly angry and declares to Moses, “For years I’ve proven my faith to God by coming to temple every week and praying mightily. And do you think the good Lord listened to my prayers at all? All I asked was simply to win one lottery and what do I get? Nothing! As far as I’m concerned, there is no God and I’m never setting foot in this place again.” On his way home, the skies darken and, directly above his head, a beam of sunlight shines directly on him, followed by a booming voice, “Saul, meet me halfway, buy a ticket!”

An 80 year old man had a birthday and his friends wanted to give him a special gift. The day of his birthday, his doorbell rings. The old man answers the door and there stands a beautiful woman in a negligee. On seeing her he asks, “Who are you?” The woman says, “I’m here to give you super sex.” The old man responds, “I’ll take the soup.”

A Rabbi who does circumcisions, called a mohyel, has been doing his job for 30 years. He’s different from other mohyels in that he saved all of the skins he ceremoniously cut from infant Jewish boys. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he stored them in plastic bags. One can imagine how many he accumulated over his entire career, as did he since he was running out of space to keep them. He thought hard about what to do with them. After some thought, he decided to bring them to a tailor. Entering the tailor shop, he went up to the counter, rang the bell, and out walks the tailor from the back. The Rabbi lays all the bags of saved tips on the counter and declared, “For thirty years I have saved these skins and I want you to make something beautiful from them.” The tailor looks at the bags and the Rabbi and responds, “Rabbi, I’ve never had this kind of request before, but for you, I’ll do my best. Come back in a week and I hope to have something for you.” The Rabbi leaves and returns a week later. Anxious, he says to the tailor, “Nooh, what have you made for me?” The tailor, a little worried about the Rabbi’s reaction says, “Rabbi, this was more challenging than I first thought. Give me one week and I will have something beautiful for you.” The Rabbi, disappointed, left. After another week, the Rabbi returns, this time, he is determined to walk out with his prize. The tailor, feeling quite confident, asks the Rabbi to sit down. Once seated, the tailor hands him a small box. The Rabbi can’t understand how all of those skins would fit into such a small box. The Rabbi opens the box and pulls out a finely tailored wallet. Visibly disturbed, the Rabbi raises his voice at the tailor. “For thirty years of saving skins, all you can come up with is a wallet? ” The tailor immediately responds,” Relax Rabbi, rub it a few times and it turns into a suitcase! “

An old Jewish salesman worked for a fabric company selling cloth, trimmings and buttons in the garment district of New York. He had a steady route of clientele. One fellow on his route would never buy so much as a spool of thread from the salesman, yet the salesman, who’s name was Moses, kept visiting the client just to see if one day he would be willing to buy anything from him. The day came when finally Moses decides it’s time to retire. On his last day at work, Moses traveled his usual route to take one last order from his clients. Of course, he stopped by the client who never bought anything from him. Moses asks his client, “Joe, for 25 years I have visited you in the hope you might buy just one thing from me. Today will be my last visit because I decided to retire. To help me make my career feel complete, I beg of you to buy anything from me, no matter how small. Could you do that for me? ” Joe looks at Moses and feels a moment of generosity and says, “Fine, I’ll honor your request for the only reason that you have been so persistent. I will order some ribbon the length being from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis.” Moses couldn’t believe his ears and thanked his client profusely. It took about two weeks to finish the order. The delivery truck pulled up in front of his client’s shop and the driver started to bring in box after box of ribbon. Joe, barely containing his anger, immediately called Moses to find out what is happening. “Moses, what the hell is going on. All I wanted was a short piece of ribbon that was the length between the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis. ” Moses replies,” Joe, the tip of my penis is in Poland! “

Two men sat next to each other, one older Jewish man, the other was Asian. They never met before and didn’t say a word to each other. After a few drinks, the Jewish fellow abruptly stands up and punches the Asian fellow off of his stool and in a raised voice says to the Asian man, “That’s for Pearl Harbor!” As the Asian man gets up off the floor he says, “Wait, I’m Chinese, it was the Japanese who were responsible for that.” The Jewish fellow replies, “Chinese, Japanese, you’re all alike.” They both continued drinking. After a short while, the Asian man abruptly stands and punches the Jewish guy off of his stool and says in a loud voice, “That’s for sinking the Titanic!” As the Jewish man gets up off the floor he says, “The Titanic? That was an iceberg.” The Asian fellow replies, “Iceberg, Greenberg, you’re all alike.”

An old Jewish man routinely eats at his favorite restaurant. He usually orders the same things, a bowl of matzo ball soup with a side order of gefilte fish. The waiter comes out with his food and sets it down in front of the old man. Before the waiter can leave, the old man says to the waiter, “Vater, I vant you to taste my zoop.” The waiter responds, “I’m sorry but that is against restaurant policy.” The old man makes the request again, “Vater, I vant you to taste my zoop.” The waiter once again answers, “I’m sorry sir, but I absolutely cannot do this, I’ll get fired.” The old man was not going to give up. “Vater, I insist you taste my zoop!” The waiter, not seeing a way out of the situation gives in and goes to grab the soup spoon. He discovers there isn’t a spoon on the table and says to the old man, “I’m sorry I can’t taste your soup because there is no spoon on the table.” The old man looks up at the waiter and says “Aha!”

More to come… In the meantime, click the video below and keep laughing.